CHARACTER SIDES FOR ‘MISS MARY’

The boys enter ‘MISS MARY’S ACADEMY OF REFINEMENT FOR ROBBING, ROVING RAIDERS’. They are met in the foyer by MISS MARY, an attractive, well-dressed woman with an eyepatch and a hook for a hand.

Jamey quickly whispers to Wert:

JAMEY

Just play along.

MISS MARY

Welcome! Are you boys villainous?

JAMEY (improvising)

Um, he is. He’d like to develop it to its full potential.

Wert plays along.

WERT

Arrr!

MISS MARY

Well, here at Miss Mary’s, we believe that just because a dismembering injury has condemned you to a life of piracy doesn’t mean you must live without manners. Piracy has a long and glorious tradition, and we have a holistic approach that aims to make you the best pirate you can be, with a full appreciation for the social and artistic traditions of the lifestyle. If you enroll here, you’ll find there’s much more to piracy than just robbing, rampaging, and kidnapping.

They pass a pirate who is playing a guitar, using his hooked hand on the strings.

MISS MARY

Good strumming! A lack of culture is the true dismembering injury.

JAMEY

So… this is like a pirate finishing school? How are their grades?

She sighs.

MISS MARY

Well, they could aim a bit higher. It seems they only yearn for the high C’s.

JAMEY

You mentioned kidnapping. Do you have a place where you keep those people?

MISS MARY

I’m afraid our dungeon is off limits to visitors. You mustn’t go down there.

JAMEY

Okay, we’ll be sure not to go... ‘down there’ where exactly?

Miss Mary looks at them suspiciously.

JAMEY

We just want to know where it is so we can not go there!

MISS MARY

The basement, east wing. It’s protected by the Fan Defense.

JAMEY

Fan defense. right. Well, we won’t go there!

MISS MARY

Be sure you don’t! I’ve still got one good eye!

She gestures dramatically toward her one good eye with her hooked hand, but misjudges the distance and manages to poke herself.

MISS MARY

Ow! Just… no depth perception.

The boys, seeing their opportunity, run off down the stairs.