CHARACTER SIDES FOR JAMEY & WERT

©2009 Angus Kittler Reid

INT. COCKPIT – SPACE

Wert sits, holding the Robot’s head in his lap. It’s eyes are still glowing; he’s obviously ‘alive’ despite his decapitatedness.

JAMEY

We were lucky to get out of there.

WERT

Poor Robot. He lost his body because he came to help us.

JAMEY

Yeah, it’s too bad.

WERT

We should help him! Go back and get it!

JAMEY

No! No way. We’d get eviscerated. I’m sorry, Wert, but there’s nothing we can do about it now.

WERT (unhappily)

I bet he wishes he’d never left his planet.

The door to the cylinder slides open. It’s Parsley.

PARSLEY

Guys? I have to go.

JAMEY

Go where?

PARSLEY

I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!

JAMEY

Well, can you hold it until we get to your planet?

PARSLEY

Maybe…

The door shuts.

JAMEY

That guy is just…

The door slides open. Parsley again.

PARSLEY (frantically)

NO! I can’t!

He stands awkwardly with his knees crossed, hopping in place. There’s no way he can hold it.

JAMEY

Oh, fine. I’ll try to find someplace to land. Just sit down!

Parsley starts to sit down where he is, but the pressure on his bladder tells him no. He resumes his cross-legged hopping, gripping the back of Jamey’s chair for support.

Jamey checks a readout and swings the controls around. Wert scans the view out the window.

WERT

There’s one!

JAMEY

It’s a little small, but it’ll do. Parsley, would you just go in back? You’re getting your scuzz all over the antimacassar!

PARSLEY

The what?

JAMEY

The headrest cover!

Parsley tries to wipe it clean with his sleeve.

PARSLEY

Then why didn’t you just say that, instead of teaching me some word I didn’t want to know? What’s wrong with my scuzz, anyway?

JAMEY

Just hold it for a minute! We’re going to land.

F/X EXT. – DAY

The Rocket touches down on the TINY PLANET

INT. CYLINDER – DAY

Parsley is next to the hatch, hopping madly.

PARSLEY

How do you open this thing?

Jamey calls to him from the cockpit.

JAMEY

Push the triangular button!

Parsley studies the control pad next to the door. There are all sorts of colors and shapes of little buttons, including a green triangular one.

PARSLEY

The what kind of button?

JAMEY (more annoyed)

The triangle!

PARSLEY

What?

Jamey descends from the cockpit and points at the correct button.

JAMEY

Ungh!

PARSLEY

The three-sided square? Fine! [he pushes it, and the hatch opens]

‘Triangle’. You and your jargon!

And with that, he exits the rocket, leaving Jamey shaking his head, stunned.

EXT. TINY PLANET – DAY

This planet is so small that, framed in a long shot with the rocket at the center, its curve is clearly visible on the edges of the frame. Parsley is standing behind one of the fins. Wert and Jamey jump out of the hatch, and Wert places the ROBOT’S HEAD on the ground next to one of the fins.

JAMEY

What do you make of that guy?

PARSLEY

Ahh! Don’t follow me!

He runs off screen to the left. The boys walk to the right, and the frame tracks with them at the center. They walk along the horizon, the curve of the planet coming up to meet them with every step.

JAMEY

As if we would.

WERT

I don't know. He doesn’t seem like a grown-up.

JAMEY

Well he’s big. He’s just… I don’t know. Dumb.

WERT

You sometimes say I’m dumb.

JAMEY

Oh… But you’re not. Compared to him, you ought to be in Mensa.

WERT

I think that’s why I like him. I’m like his big brother.

JAMEY

Yeah, well, that’ll get old. You can’t count on him for anything, and he’s always nagging and butting in to stuff.

WERT

I wouldn’t mind! Cause I think he really likes us! He’s a good friend.

JAMEY

He’s totally useless.

WERT

That’s okay. He can’t help it. It’s just the way he is.

JAMEY (thoughtful)

I guess you’d be a pretty good brother to him…

They have been walking to the right all this time, and now the Rocket appears standing in front of them just as it was when it exited frame to the left a minute before. Just then, Parsley runs by from right to left.

PARSLEY

Hey, don’t follow me!

JAMEY

As if we would. What do you think of him?

WERT

I don’t know. He doesn’t seem like a grown-up.

They stop where they are.

JAMEY

You know, I think we should get off this planet. I feel like we’re going in circles.

Just then, the hatch to the rocket opens, and a green fog emanates. There seems to be a shining figure inside. It steps to the door. It’s a girl. A beautiful, barefoot, butterfly girl with pretty wings and a silky, diaphanous dress.

The boys gasp and stare at her. She regards them with regal composure.

WERT

Chari?

CHARI

Are you boys conveying me home?

JAMEY (stammering)

Y-your highness. Yes, your mother sent us to find you.

CHARI

My mother sent me away. I shall return when I choose to.

Just then, Parsley comes in from the right.

PARSLEY

Oh, man, I was about to burst. I must’ve tinkled like a gallon and a ha-aa-aaaaa…

Chari looks at him with immediate disdain, and he stands stock still. It is love at first sight for him. Not so for her.

CHARI

And who is this repulsive creature?

JAMEY

Princess… this is Parsley. He’s… kind of a friend of ours?

Parsley is melting.

PARSLEY

Hiiiiiiiiiiii.

JAMEY

Parsley, this is Chari. She’s a princess, so, um, just don’t say anything.

PARSLEY (babbling, incoherent)

Your feet are down there!

JAMEY

Okay, Parsley. Let’s drop you off at your planet.